Thoughts of an insomniac

Saturday night I couldn't sleep. I don't know if this happens to any of you, but right about ovulation time in my cycle, I get a few days of insomnia. (I used to also get a few days of severe, debilitating depression, but taking Prozac for those days each month that the depression hit fixed that, and it's been a couple years since I've experienced that.) When I can't sleep, it is ALWAYS because I can't shut off my head. It's probably that way for everyone, but I don't know because I am not in anyone else's head. We should all be grateful for that. My thought process Saturday night ended up with such a funny memory that I had to share: the memory of my most bizarre homework assignment EVER.

My PhD (which I quit before I did my dissertation) track required me to take a physiology course at the medical school. I was pregnant at the time, so I chose Reproductive Physiology. I was in the school of Biostatistics, Epidemiology, Systems Science and Risk Assessment, and found myself in a class containing myself and about a dozen nurse-midwife students (all female). Interestingly, and somewhat scary for their patients perhaps, I received the highest grade in the class. But there was one assignment that stood out to me. Our professor was an ex-nun, in that she had once been a nun, but apparently decided that she'd rather get some than get nun (none). The parentheses are there for any of you who are slow on the uptake today and need it all LAID out for you. (Oh, stop your groaning, most of you know I'm really a 14-year-old boy in a woman's body.) Anyway, the first few classes were dedicated to the structure of ge.ni.ta.li.a and the or.ga.sm.ic process (yeah, I just made up the phrase "or.ga.sm.ic process", but it sounds good, no?). This was also when the whole "G.-.sp.ot, does it exist?" debate was going on. So one evening (it was a night class) as class was wrapping up, Professor Ex-nun said, "For your homework tonight, I want you to go home and locate your G.-sp.ot." Good thing she said that "go home" part first. "Any questions?" Um, YEAH:

A) Will this assignment be graded on technique or results?
B) Can we work with someone else on the assignment or is this intended to be a solo mission? And speaking of solo-missions, isn't that a no-no in nun circles?
C) Will we be discussing how we did on this assignment next class?

I didn't actually ASK any of these, but I SO wanted to. What was the most bizarre homework assignment YOU ever got?

Day 1, Revisited: My ass. Still kicked.

On Friday, I executed the first day of my exercising and healthy eating plan, in that I got up a 5am and completed (barely) Level 1 of Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred DVD. You can read about that experience (if you haven't already) here. That was supposed to be Day 1, then Saturday would have been Day 2, Sunday Day 3, etc. Well, as Friday went on, I discovered that lowering myself to the toilet so I could pee was a bit painful for my thighs, as was walking DOWN stairs (I had to lean heavily on the wall). This led me to believe that perhaps I wouldn't be able to do the same workout on Saturday morning. I was oh so right.

I rolled out of bed on Saturday morning not without difficulty. I had muscles hurting that I didn't even know EXISTED. People talk about the core muscles. Well, Saturday morning, I could have pointed out EVERY SINGLE FREAKING ONE. The only parts of my body that I could move without discomfort were my fingers and toes (and I hope Jillian Michaels never reads this, because if she does, I'm sure she'll remedy THAT in her next DVD, since she likes to work both the BIG muscles and the SMALL muscles SIMULTANEOUSLY). On the bright side, it was that good, achy, I did something good for myself kind of hurt. On the not so bright side, it being a good hurt didn't change the fact that I was incapable of a real workout Saturday morning. I compromised with a little treadmill action. Sunday was a repeat of Saturday.

So today, although still a bit sore, I did the workout again, and I am starting over. TODAY is Day 1. Not last Friday. Today. And my ass is still kicked, though not nearly as badly. I think I'll be able to continue with day 2 tomorrow.

Day 1: My ass. Seriously kicked.

When I finally bothered to amble out to the mailbox Wednesday night, I found my Amazon order containing Jillian Michael's box set of exercise DVDs and the 30-Day Shred. That was my cue that it was time for a health kick, time to eat better (or at least less) and get some exercise. Yesterday, I decided to watch the 30-Day Shred DVD to see what it involved before I actually started. It has three levels, and I had heard that they were pretty tough and that it wouldn't hurt to be in pretty decent shape before you even tried the DVD, so I figured I'd start with Level 1 and watched that. It consisted of a warm up, three 6-minute circuits that each contained 3 minutes of strength training, 2 minutes of cardio and 1 minute of abdominal work. Then a short cool down. A total of about 22 minutes. It didn't seem too bad. Ha HA! You know that old adage: "Looks can be deceiving."? Um, yeah. This morning I had my ass handed to me on a silver platter.

I got up at 5:00, threw on a sports bra, had a nice cup of coffee while I read a chapter of the book I'm currently reading, then moved furniture out of the way and turned on the DVD. Warm-up? Easy. Strength part of first circuit? No problem. Cardio? Not too bad, but starting to get winded by the end. Abs? OK. Second circuit. Strength? Tougher, but manageable. Cardio? Got winded earlier, but got through it by not doing the last two jumping jacks and gasping for breath instead. Abs? Tougher, since it's hard to tighten those abs when you're breathing like a pack mule that just ran a horse race. Third circuit. Strength? Once again, tough but manageable. Cardio? OH MY GOD, just kill me now. When did I get so out of shape? Can't. Breathe. Abs? Yeah. See: pack mule, horse race. I was so thankful when she got to the cool down, I could have kissed her, but I was too whipped to get up off the floor and walk over to the TV.

I suck, and other random things

I suck. That is because despite good intentions of mailing out the prizes from my last PiF contest (I'd link, but not only do I suck, I'm too lazy to bother with linking today) last week, I only just managed to mail them TODAY. So yeah. Sorry, all my winners, but I think we've established that I suck. Before we move on away from my suckage and my overall suckitude that I am sporting today, I just want to say that it's not just me. Other people suck too. As a matter of fact, other people suck MORE. For instance, asshole drivers who think the right shoulder of the road is a LANE. So that means EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO LIVES IN PENNSYLVANIA. They're such bad drivers that they need SIGNS next to their traffic lights that say, "Wait For Green." Seriously, here's a picture:



Now, come ON. When I first saw one of these signs, I thought, "Well, DUH." Then I thought, "Maybe they mean 'No Turn on Red,' but then why don't they use a 'No Turn on Red' sign?" So all I can figure is that PA drivers need a reminder to wait until the light is green before they go, as opposed to just randomly and indiscriminately driving into intersections. Now THAT'S bad driving.

Today I saw a big truck that said, "Batesville Casket Company." Did they not consider that the name "Norman Bates" could possibly be the first thing people thought of when they saw the company name? Am I the only one for whom that was the immediate thought?

I have SO MUCH CLUTTER. No, scratch that. My husband and kids have SO MUCH CLUTTER. Why am I always the one who has to do something about it? Today I am tackling the lowest level of our split-level (it would be called a basement if it weren't a split-level house, if anyone knows what the three levels of a split-level house are called, clue me in please).

I ordered a Jillian Michaels box set of DVDs AND her 30-Day Shred DVD. They should be here tomorrow. Between that and the hundred push-ups thing that I printed out, I should be SMOKIN' HOT by Thanksgiving, right? Though I suppose that would be contingent upon DOING them. I figured out that there are three things standing in the way of my having a killer bod: 1) lack of a personal chef, 2) lack of a personal trainer (and I would need a kick-ass one ala Jillian Michaels) and 3) lack of a nanny. Well, actually I guess that boils down to one thing: lack of sufficient funding.

ATTENTION DANIELLE-LEE: Honey, email me your address and pick your book from my Bookmooch inventory if you want your prize sometime in the next century. We've already determined that it takes me long enough when I DO have that info to get a prize on its way, and I would feel so much LESS SUCKY if I were able to send you yours. Do it for me, 'kay?

This is what I found when I went in to get Amy up from her nap yesterday:





Photo credit: Got it here.

Wow!

I'm not a rabid Olympics watcher. In fact, last night was the first I tuned in at all. I flipped on the TV while I was getting ready for bed and for a short time I watched before going to bed. I saw some swimming. Women's freestyle and the men's relay to be specific. And wow. Just wow. That men's relay finish was un-freaking-believable! If you didn't see it you need to. I'm actually going to spend a moment seeing if I can find it on YouTube for you... [on-hold music]

OK. Here's the entire race, but since it doesn't seem to have been posted by anyone affiliated with either The Olympic Games or NBC, I'm not sure how long it will be up:



Amazing, isn't it?

OUR children's utensils have more fun than YOUR children's utensils

What? Don't YOU keep a slide in your kitchen? No? Then how do you expect your forks to frolic?

Which ones should I enter?

First of all, an update to Friday's post: my husband loved his pictures. Secondly, I am heading to NYC today because Beth has two auditions. Her first one this morning is for a TV commercial for Claritin. Then she has another this afternoon for a print ad for Greendog Clothing. I had never heard of Greendog Clothing, because I either:

A) keep my head buried in the sand at all times,
B) went to the mall for the last time before I had children,
C) am hopelessly un-hip, OR
D) all of the above.

Guess which. *DING DING DING*

Anyway, my un-hip self did somehow manage to set up my cell phone on Twitter. I sent my FIRST EVER text message there. It said, "Test" and worked flawlessly after I screamed, yelled, stomped and seethed in frustration for about 30 minutes because I couldn't get lower case letters to come up. After threatening to flush him down the toilet, my phone came through with a little icon at the top of the screen that lets me know how his highness intends to present the words I type. I should tell you that I have the least technologically advanced cell phone currently in existence. It does nothing cool. It is a phone. Period. HOWEVER, on the plus side, I have not changed my cell phone plan since 2003, so I am still on the $29.99 a month plan. So there, all you fancy schmancy phone owners. On the minus side, I have NO IDEA what texting will cost me. I should look that up, but I'm pretty sure laziness will prevail on that issue. That is a long-winded way of saying MAYBE I will send a tweet or two while I'm walking the streets of NYC. I will not, however, RECEIVE any tweets on my phone due to my lack of knowledge of texting costs, but I will catch up on twitter when I get home later.

IN THE MEANTIME:

While you all wait with baited breath for my tweets, which I'm SURE will say things like, "Just ran into [insert big deal star here] and am headed to lunch with him/her," "Got cast as an extra in Law and Order because they were shooting in front of a building we walked past," or other exciting things, rather than things like, "On train to the city. Train sucks," "Train station stairways smell like urine," "Walking 14 blocks to next appt because am cab-hailing AMATEUR," or "Sweating like pig - it's freaking hot," I hope you will help me out below by giving me your thoughts.

I LOVE photography. I don't think I am particularly GOOD at it, but I love it. I am considering entering some of my vacation photos in a contest. There are several categories, but my photos only fall into two of them: scenic and people. I can enter a total of three images. Here are the ones I am considering:

Scenic:








People:





So what do you think? If you could enter three of these, which three would you choose? I should tell you that the pictures will be judged only on color and content.