Friday, January 4, 2008

And so it is written...

If religious humor offends you, stop now. As for me, I feel that if God gave me this sick and twisted sense of humor, I should use it. So here we go...

God has revealed Herself to me. [Come on, we all secretly know God is a woman. Do you seriously think that a universe's worth of organized chaos could possibly be managed and maintained by a MAN?!?! Please.] I have been told by Her that Armageddon is near, and this story must be told, to be written as Her Holy Word as an appendix to The Bible. It should be noted that this account may be distinctly different from what may or may not be foretold in the Book of Revelation, as God may have decided to change things up a bit. I wouldn't know, as I have never read it. I should probably get on that. Anyway, back to God's Word...


1 - Let it be written that it shall come to pass, out of a land called Hollywood, that two babes shall be conceived out of wedlock and as third children to descendants of Abraham whose previous children art not flesh of their flesh.

2 - These children of Abraham, being unwed, shall nevertheless come to be known as single entities. The names bestowed upon these entities shall be Brangelina and Tomkat.

3 - The women, both heavy with child, shall be pursued relentlessly both by those who haveth good intent and those who haveth evil intent alike.

4 - One of the babes shall be born into silence; the other shall enter into a faraway land known as Namibia.

5 - The births of the babes shall be heralded across all lands, both near and far. And it shall come to pass that upon the births, it shall be known that the babes art not sons of descendants of Abraham, but daughters.

6 - And the children shall be named; one shall be named as like to a character in Japanese anime, and one shall be named in honor of a beloved dog in children's literature.

7 - And lo, to the great consternation of their singularly-named parents, they shall be equally relentlessly pursued as the mothers and fathers before them.

8 - Everywhere they shall be, there shall be great multitudes waiting to worship their great beauty, and out of these multitudes shall come a great many flashes of light, blinding them and making them as deer frozen in headlights.

9 - Lo, it shall be noted that the one called Shiloh rarely arranges her face to appear happy or to closeth that which is her mouth. Such hanging open of the mouth shall begin to concerneth the multitudes, who shall fear that insects known as flies doth fly into it, making it unclean.

10 - It shall come to pass that the one called Suri, shall be perceiveth by her father to be the reincarnation of one called L. Ron Hubbard. This shall please her father greatly.

11 - And it shall come to pass that these daughters of Abraham shall be forever linked in the eyes of the masses. For though they art not of the same flesh, they art of similar royal status, and each possesseth the combined powers of beauty and wealth.

12 - They shalt use the powers bestowed upon them. And the multitudes shalt oftentimes rejoice, yet sometimes cringe at the uses of the powers.

13 - And they shalt be compared every day of their lives, one unto the other. For that is how it shall be, as it was for their parents before them.

14 - A great animosity shalt take root and grow. it shalt grow ever stronger and larger, until the masses cower before it. And the wrath of one unto the other shalt have no equal.

15 - Amen, I say unto you, that it shall come to be known that one of these children art the Messiah; the other, the Antichrist.

16 - And a great battle shall be waged between them. Of this battle shall come a new Heaven and a new Earth.

So it was said, and so I have written.

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