Wednesday, June 10, 2009

If you like pina coladas...

I knew it had been a while since my last post, and it had been another while since my post before that, and well, I'm busy and really really lousy at time management. I wouldn't even have a post today except for Facebook. So those of you who are my FB friends may have already seen this, but it's all I've got.

I heard the song "Escape" yesterday. You know, the one also known as "The Pina Colada Song." I am too lazy to go find an n with the little tilde thing on top. Anyway, it made me wonder, and I posted this as my status:

In "The Pina Colada Song," do you think after they got over their amusement at the coincidence, they got pissed?

This generated the most comments on a status that I think I've ever gotten. Anyway, an old friend of mine has an unusual amount of ire toward this song and the man and woman in it. He got quite worked up, so I decided to write a few follow-up verses to the song to try to ease his mind. Here they are:

We left the bar to head home then; we had driven two cars.
I got to thinking about it, driving under the stars.
Hold on just a second; turns out I have half-a-brain.
My lady tried to cheat; my calm was hard to maintain.

'Cause she likes Pina Coladas, and placing personal ads.
She was trying to escape me, feels like a kick in the 'nads.*
She'd rather make love with someone else; in the dunes of the cape.
Now I'll make plans for her and then plan my escape.

I confronted her later about the personal ad.
She said since I answered, that I was just as bad.
And while that may be true, 'twas she who tried to stray first.
So I poisoned her champagne, then I sang her this verse:

"Don't care for Pina Coladas; you see, I much prefer scotch.
Making love in the cape dunes just gets sand in my crotch.
I might get more into health food; and try to extend my life.
So that after I kill you, there's time to find a new wife."

Turns out she was mad also, and she had poisoned my scotch.
She said, "Your time's running out now," and she looked at her watch.
So we both lay there dying; there was not much to say.
Health food would not help us; we wouldn't see the next day.

"So if you like Pina Coladas, I suggest telling your mate.
Go make love in the sand dunes, before it's too late.
Eat some cake and drink champagne and don't be an ass
So your loved one won't some day poison the drink in your glass."

*That one was a stretch, I couldn't find many usable rhymes with "ads"