Wednesday, June 10, 2009

If you like pina coladas...

I knew it had been a while since my last post, and it had been another while since my post before that, and well, I'm busy and really really lousy at time management. I wouldn't even have a post today except for Facebook. So those of you who are my FB friends may have already seen this, but it's all I've got.

I heard the song "Escape" yesterday. You know, the one also known as "The Pina Colada Song." I am too lazy to go find an n with the little tilde thing on top. Anyway, it made me wonder, and I posted this as my status:

In "The Pina Colada Song," do you think after they got over their amusement at the coincidence, they got pissed?

This generated the most comments on a status that I think I've ever gotten. Anyway, an old friend of mine has an unusual amount of ire toward this song and the man and woman in it. He got quite worked up, so I decided to write a few follow-up verses to the song to try to ease his mind. Here they are:

We left the bar to head home then; we had driven two cars.
I got to thinking about it, driving under the stars.
Hold on just a second; turns out I have half-a-brain.
My lady tried to cheat; my calm was hard to maintain.

'Cause she likes Pina Coladas, and placing personal ads.
She was trying to escape me, feels like a kick in the 'nads.*
She'd rather make love with someone else; in the dunes of the cape.
Now I'll make plans for her and then plan my escape.

I confronted her later about the personal ad.
She said since I answered, that I was just as bad.
And while that may be true, 'twas she who tried to stray first.
So I poisoned her champagne, then I sang her this verse:

"Don't care for Pina Coladas; you see, I much prefer scotch.
Making love in the cape dunes just gets sand in my crotch.
I might get more into health food; and try to extend my life.
So that after I kill you, there's time to find a new wife."

Turns out she was mad also, and she had poisoned my scotch.
She said, "Your time's running out now," and she looked at her watch.
So we both lay there dying; there was not much to say.
Health food would not help us; we wouldn't see the next day.

"So if you like Pina Coladas, I suggest telling your mate.
Go make love in the sand dunes, before it's too late.
Eat some cake and drink champagne and don't be an ass
So your loved one won't some day poison the drink in your glass."

*That one was a stretch, I couldn't find many usable rhymes with "ads"


Country Girl said...

OMG - have been in the world's WORST mood all day with such a suck-eating, downturned smile on my face you'd think someone close to me had died. Or that I was menstrual. Either way. Read this and Holy Hell - laugh out loud, big-ass smile. I think this needs to be recorded. Pronto. *Brilliant!*

Becky said...

I love to sing along with that song when I hear it, but I think about that too. The song kind of makes it sound like they laughed it off, but I don't think it could be so easy.

I LOVE this extension though. HEHEHE.

Nowheymama said...


I hate that song.

Shelly said...

Again, these are brilliant! I love them. I saw it on FB, too, and loved it! Glad you posted it here.

Pickles and Dimes said...

BWAHAHAHAHHA. Brilliant! You have my utmost admiration for working in "nads."

Can we submit other songs we hate for you to rewrite? Because I nominate "Margaritaville." LOATHE.

Alice said...

i have no idea what the words actually are to the verses of this song, although based on this lovely rewrite methinks i should go check it out...

Jess said...

It's like a modern-day Romeo and Juliet! And by "modern-day" I mean "1970s." Close enough, compared to Shakespearean times.

Liz said...

This is hilarious! I always thought that song was a little creepy -- with them both sneaking around on each other.

Your blog rocks!

Astarte said...

I like your version WAAAYYY better than the actual one. WAAAAY more.

Anonymous said...

Despise that song. I've always thought the two of them got exactly what they deserved with each other.

Earl Capps said...

I always did wonder about how two cheaters were ok with it. I liked your version pretty good too.

Chibi said...

You? Officially my new hero. That was amazingly fantastic. *two thumbs up*

Anonymous said...

Seriously, I love you. OMG, that is awesome! And that damn song, it always reminds me of the movie The Sweetest Thing, which I love, but the song itself, ugh.
You rock!! xoxo

desperate housewife said...

Ha! I actually need to re-read it to fully absorb the funny. You should join forces with Weird Al!

Fantastic Forrest said...

Very nice! I especially like the rhyme for ads. That's creativity!

I will say that the reason I never minded they were both looking elsewhere is because I never read it as a married couple - just two people who were dating. I think I was naive.

Your ending is brilliant.